Realistic Expectations
I haven’t seen the new Godzilla vs. Kong movie yet, but when I do, I’ll be rooting for Kong. Additionally, I’ll be rooting for a definite winner, hopefully by knockout. Shame on the screenwriters if they devise the outcome to be a tie. And heaven forbid, if Godzilla and Kong team up - a slap in the face to the movie-poster supported expectations, a poster showing a menacing staredown at the weigh-in - I’m storming out of the theater. See Batman vs. Superman as an example of failure. The only loser in that movie was the audience.
By theater, I mean my at-home streaming platform. So, if I must storm out, it means I have to vacate my apartment. @Max Borenstein, don’t force me into the streets; my evening rests in your screenwriting hands. Best be cautious, because what I lack in free-time, I could make up for in petty determination. One star reviews amass quickly and I’m not above creating a few accounts to bolster my clout.
Let’s look at the fight card between the two heavyweights.
Godzilla
35 films
Special ability: atomicly bad breath
Hollywood Walk of Fame star induction: 2004
King Kong
11 films
Special ability: opposable thumbs and box-office success
Hollywood Walk of Fame star induction: N/A - still chasing the belt
The above stats paint Kong as the clear underdog, but I’m confident he can pull through. He’s got Godzilla beat in a few crucial categories. First off, Gorillas rank as the second most intelligent animal (right behind humans); whereas, whales rank as the fifth most intelligent animal. According to Godzilla’s wikipedia page, he’s half gorilla, half whale. I raised an eyebrow when I read that, but given that anyone can edit a wikipedia page, I’m guessing Godzilla wrote that himself. Half lizard is more probable. Along with a bigger brain, Kong’s got agility. It’s easier to manuveur muscle. Putting it nicely, Godzilla has to haul a few extra tons of water weight. Putting it honestly, Godzilla has been potato-ing away in his man cave for too many years. Have you seen his beer belly? Kong entered the ring from the gym; Godzilla entered the ring from his couch.
Even if I lose my bet (yes I did place money on a fictitious fight), I’m sure the movie won’t disappoint. The preview displays a movie chalk full of action and no plot. I’m excited. I could pretend I’m sophisticated, someone who only watches Oscar nominated movies, but genuinely, what I want to see is a fist fight between a skyscraper lizard monster and a fist-ablazing, rampaging gorilla. From a movie like this, that’s a realistic expectation.
