Favorite sports teams
“The Football Team.”
“Which football team?”
“No literally, the Football Team.”
“What’s the name of the team? I get that you’re starting with football.”
“The Washington Football Team.”
“You mean the Huskies?”
“No… I’m not sure what to say here. I could either be politically correct and unclear or clear and a racist. What do you want?”
“The truth.”
“The truth is I’m uncomfortable… Maybe I’ll just find a new team.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. My favorite team is the Seattle Seahawks.”
***
Once upon a time, I was seated in a college history class. The question was posed: “If you could have dinner with any person from history, who would you choose?”
Around the circle, students gave respectable answers: Abraham Lincoln, Malcolm X, Winston Churchill, Madame Curie...
Then it got to me and I said, “Sam Hinkie.”
If you know who that is, you’d know it’s an inappropriate answer given the circumstances. If you didn’t know who that is, you’d ask: “Wasn’t that the person who shot Reagan?”
Me: “No, he was the GM for the Philadelphia 76ers for a bit.”
Not only is Sam Hinkie still alive, he’s not a historical figure. In hindsight, talking about someone who made basketball decisions, while the rest of the group is trying to have a serious discussion, is a little insulting.
Anyways though, I’m a 76ers fan because of Sam. He’s the mind behind “Tanking” and “Trust the Process”. Clearly the smartest person in the room. Go watch Simmons and Embiid get a ring this next season - that’ll prove it.
***
Speaking of the smartest person in a different room, the Oakland A’s Billie Bean - think Moneyball.
When they make a movie about your day-to-day job performance and cast Brad Pitt to play you, I think it’s safe to assume you’re pretty good at your job. (Skipped over all the B-list actors for premium; straight over: Dave Franco, Liam Hemsworth, and Nick Cage. Those are B-list actors right?) So good, you can take on the evil empire (big market teams) and win.
***
The Pittsburgh Penguins because I was eight and penguins were trending. Trending as in: I had just gone to the zoo that day.
***
Last but not least, the Carolina Tar Heels.
After I signed my acceptance letter, I started to bleed Carolina blue. Part of the price of admission is your soul and this is one of the side effects.
It’d be a lie to say we weren’t a basketball cult school. The players weren’t demi-gods, but you’d still stand in line for over an hour to get your picture taken with them at Fall Festival. Somehow, at that same Fall Fest, we procured the original Game of Throne’s throne - and that line was still shorter.
On Sundays, we worshiped at the Dean Dome. When we looked to the heavens, we saw banners. When dook came to town, you dropped everything and turned on the tv, or scrapped a ticket, or got lucky in the seat lottery.
The rivalry is real. (This is exaggerated for effect, but) I never root sports injuries, except for dook players. During my four years, we won a national championship and beat dook four times. There was more celebration during those four times because duck fook.
***
Auxiliary dumb thoughts:
Not sure how this turned into a dook rant, but that seems about right.
You should spell Duke as dook because they don’t deserve the respect of being capitalized or spelled correctly.
My beef is mainly with the basketball team. They’re education is actually top-notch.
What’s do UNC and NC State students both have in common? They both got into State.
How many dook freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? - One, they hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
How many NC State freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None, it’s a sophomore level course.
