A list of lists
When I was young, I dabbled in the art of lists. My sequentially oriented brain spit out lists on random topics without end. Top five favorite words. Top five smells. Top auxiliary people in my life... I kept the lengthy collection of lists on a yellow, 28 by 22 inch poster board which I hung in my childhood room. In a throwback to that childhood self, here’s a list of lists.
List 1: the Best States
Idaho. For any Californians reading, the cost of living skyrocketed in the last month so you probably want to find a new state to retire. The people in Idaho are neither absurdly kind nor exceedingly humble, so best stay away. The outdoor recreation leaves much to be desired. And, worst of all, the fast paced, complex Idaho lifestyle really beats any happiness out of you. I lived my entire childhood in Idaho, so I know how bad it can be.
North Carolina. At Cookout, you can buy two quesadillas, fries, a chicken wrap, and a milkshake for $5. According to their menu, that onslaught combination of food totals 2,200 calories. Need I say more.
Washington. My younger sister, currently a college senior, studies in Washington and she’s pretty cool. Coincidentally I live here too, so that’s convenient for hanging out and stuff.
Oregon. My favorite drugstore, located on Burnside in Portland, stocks the best selection. Read my Powells post for context.
Maryland. Apparently I was born in Maryland; it’s odd since I’ve never been there.
List 2: Books I Recommend Avoiding
Game of Thrones. The word count of this drawn out, unfinished series totals 1,736,054. For comparison that’s a million more words than the Bible. A million more! If you listened to the audio book, everyday for an hour to completion, you would have wasted seven months of your life. In response to your well-read friends, I think it’s just easier to lie and say you’ve read the book.
A Tale of Two Cities. Would it be nerdy to say I have a custom-made, book ranking algorithm that ranks every book I’ve ever read? Let’s pretend this is an arbitrary number, but my 147th favorite book (last on my list) is A Tale of Two Cities. For anyone who’s read the book, I obviously don’t have to justify why. (Also, by “read the book” I mean started but then gave up in lieu of Sparknotes.)
College Textbooks. Why do they keep updating the volume? If an area of study significantly changes year to year, is a textbook really the best medium to communicate that information? Or maybe it’s just a scam to make money off of college students. It’s been a few years since I bought a textbook, but I remember them being overpriced. Like a $100 overpriced.
List 3: Random Writing Advice
Eliminate wordiness. First and foremost, one of the most basic fundamentals of writing is to communicate your message clearly, free of difficult hindrances; this will help you make a connection with your reader. Or, more concisely, one of the fundamentals of writing is to communicate clearly; this will help you connect with your reader.
Practice. Great is the enemy of the good.
e.g., When you use the accoyrmn e.g., you must include a comma afterwards to be grammatically correct. In usage e.g., means for example and it’s cousin i.e., means that is to say.
Read. This remains the best way to improve your vocabulary. While maybe not the correct verb choice in this sentence, it does support my point though, I’ve trudged through four hours of reading this week and learned at least one new word.
List 4: Dumb Facts
The US Constitution is 4,500 words long; Diary of a Wimpy Kid is 19,800 words long.
Termite farts are responsible for 1 - 3% of all global methane emissions.
You lose up 30% of your taste buds in flight.
Rabbits can’t puke.
The wood frog can hold its pee for up to eight months. The life expectancy of a wood frog is three years. To be comparably impressive, a human would have to hold their pee for 16 years. So, the next time you desperately need to pee, instead of saying I peed like a racehorse, consider saying I just peed like a wood frog.
