Gag Christmas gift
Every Christmas, dating as far back as I selectively choose to remember, I’ve gotten my younger cousin somewhat of a gag Christmas gift. The tradition started one odd-some year when I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I wrapped a gift in 100 layers but didn’t include anything at the bottom of the whole ordeal?” For reasons that can only be described as aggressive Christmas spirit, my family had eight rolls of gift wrapping paper, so logistically it was feasible. My train of thought continued, “Yeah, that would be funny. Who should I inflict this on?”
Ultimately my younger cousin was chosen because we have a good relationship, she would give a comical, genuine reaction, and I needed to cross out the final person on my shopping list.
That first year I don’t remember reaching 100, somewhere closer to 40 (it grew exponentially beyond my motivations) but I did decide to include an actual gift - $5. If you adjust for inflation, especially the child to adult life stages inflation where you lack an income in the first stage, $5 would be worth $50 today. Yet, the end gift is never the concern; the main value comes from the experience itself. The precedent theme became: gifts that are difficult to open.
While I can’t take credit for all of these (I was on the receiving end of some) here’s a snapshot of gifts we’ve seen over the years:
Have you ever been gifted the first clue in a lengthy scavenger hunt which ultimately led to a dollar-store quality treasure?
Have you ever had to melt ice to receive your gift?
Has your gift ever been baked into food?
Have you ever had to cut through the scary amalgamation of plastic mesh and superglue to reach your gift?
Has your gift ever included not one, not two, but four padlocks?
Have you ever had to enter gps coordinates to find your gift?
Has your gift ever been hidden in a book in the public library?
Has your gift ever been a miniature version of Deal or No Deal and after a nerve racking 20 minutes of ‘Oh damn, I think she chose the $100 case; I can’t cover that…’ you walk away with an acceptable $10?
Has your gift ever involved solving a puzzle, flipping it over, and then deciphering the clues on the back to find the location of your gift, but first, you have to find those puzzle pieces which are scattered around your house?
Has your gift ever been a piggy bank which literally cannot be opened because it was welded shut?
This year, I’ve hatched an idea that’s especially diabolical, one that took an entire half Saturday of preparation. Depending on how you value your time, it would either be worth $50 or be worthless. Here’s the gift: First, I trekked to the covid-lax Boise Mall. Once there I awkwardly went to the cashier of each major business and asked to buy a gift card. It was awkward because I asked for $0 to be put on the balance of the card. Most businesses were confused about what I was asking, all were confused why I was asking, and about 10% said flatout ‘No, we can’t do that, please leave if you’re not going to buy something’. After a lot of explaining plus the passage of five long hours, I walked away with 21 gift cards.
The catch, one of those gift cards has $50 on the balance, and I’m not going to tell my cousin which one. Either she’s going to have to spend a lot of time calling 1-800 numbers or applying uncomfortable trial and error. I’m hoping it’s the latter. To cap off the “gift”, I wrapped the cards in an entire spool of duct tape.
