Failure to load
On Saturday, I made the spontaneous decision to buy a new laptop. By spontaneous, I mean, I made a definite decision to buy a laptop, but I haven’t bought one yet. Normally when I make a decision, I first decide on the decision itself. Along the lines of: My vacuum sucks, but not in the ways I want; should I buy a new one? [Insert length of time here, as I think it over.] Decision, yes I should. Follow-up, which vacuum should I buy? The idea to buy a laptop was unique in the sense that I skipped over a step in the decision tree, straight to which laptop should I buy?
The biggest advocate for me to buy a new laptop is my current laptop. He didn’t directly encourage me to buy a new one, but his poor work performance strongly implied bringing in a replacement. Rarely does he show up for work on time and usually I’m left waiting ten plus minutes for him to boot-up. On a bad day, 30 minutes. Worst of all, he’s not good at his job. I’ll tell him to load a manageable five tabs, along with a large Excel spreadsheet and he’ll say, “Yeah yeah, I got it. Chillax.” But when I return, his workspace is engulfed in flames and I’ve got to Ctrl+Alt+Delete to extinguish the fiery mess. In addition to that, on most days, he inappropriately clocks out early. With coffee cup in hand, I’ll be walking the hallways when I see his lazy ass leaving the building.
Me: “What are you doing?”
My laptop: “I’m done dude. My battery life is feeling a little low, so I’m taking the day off.”
Me: “It’s only been 90 minutes. Get back to work.”
My laptop: “Sorry, no can do boss-sir. I’ve got rights. I’m entitled to charger breaks every hour. If you deny my right to power, I can sue.”
…lengthy back and forth arguing…
Me: “You know what, this is unacceptable: You’re fired.”
My laptop: “What, you can’t fire me. Screw you for discriminating against my lifestyle. I’ll see you in court. I’ll see you in court!”
Me: “Sure, good luck Googling a lawyer, compiling evidence, emailing said evidence to your lawyer, and pulling directions to the court - all in a single session. We both know you can barely handle five tabs before powering down.”
In fairness to my Lenovo Thinkpad, I’ve employed him for almost six years. During this time, he’s functioned well. In his early years, he turned in assignments promptly, showed-up on time, and was willing to work late. But he should have retired long ago. The average laptop lifespan lasts three to five years, not six.
***
My laptop research, piling up over five hours, has flown by fruitlessly. I still have no idea which laptop to buy. I’ve read over multiple online rankings and reviews, watched detailed Youtube videos, trekked to Best Buy, Office Depot, and Costco to try out laptops in person, and created an Excel research grid to help organize my findings. Some of the Youtube videos showcased the premium display and sound of the choice options and I found myself saying - “Wow, that is great visual quality and great sound” - only to be hit with the reality, “Wait, no. The visuals and sounds mirror my current laptop... The laptop I’m currently using...”
Feeling overwhelmed with the vast amount of data, I decided to buy more data and bought a subscription to Consumer Reports. That yielded enough insight to create a front-runner and prompted the trip to Costco to try out the LG Gram. But after using the display laptop for about an hour - much to the horror of my girlfriend - I decided not to make the purchase. The designers built the mousepad in a weird spot, so it hurt my wrists. Apologies to my girlfriend for dragging her along my indecisiveness. Major girlfriend points for displaying inspiring levels of patience.
***
Now, I’m back to square one. Who knows which laptop I’ll buy. All I know is that the purchase (in a promised effort to be spontaneous) will happen sometime this week.
