Brunch
I recently received my first ever invitation to something called “brunch”, which apparently is very sacred in the girlfriend culture. Before Maddie’s core friend group moved out of Seattle, they religiously met on Saturdays for brunch services. The prep time for such events commanded serious time, almost to the point of having to wake up early, which seems counterintuitive to a “late start on breakfast”. I’d watch Maddie curl her hair (she looks beautiful regardless), coordinate her outfit (to go with her stunning hot bod), and plan out social logistics (like strategic complements). Unfortunately though, the church of brunch had to shut down when a few members of the congregation moved away. That’s not to say the gatherings stopped, but more to say that it decreased in frequency. Based on my outside observations and research, the critical mass required for a brunch get-together is a gaggle of 4.5 girls. If your female friend group reaches this threshold - all with a free Saturday morning - brunch becomes inevitable.
Anyways, we were in Colorado visiting family and friends when Maddie popped the question: “Is 9:30 too early for brunch on Saturday?”
To which I responded: “No, but at that time I think it’s called breakfast.”
We then both tripped and fell down a deep rabbit hole.
***
Like most common exposures to an unfamiliar religion, we started the conversation with a civil debate. Me being an outsider, what I lacked in subject matter familiarity I made up for in astonishing debate prowess, because I’m basically a genius. (My mom told me at least once, so it must be true.) The discussion extended past what should have been the end of our lunch break.
First off, is brunch a meal eaten between a certain time, or is it an experience? Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines brunch as: “A meal that combines a late breakfast with an early lunch.” If you flip two pages back (yes, I did use a physical copy of the dictionary and yes, I actually counted because I’m committed to this academic endeavor), you arrive at the definition of breakfast: “The first meal of the day.” To round out our premises, the definition of lunch: “A light meal, usually eaten in the middle of the day.”
It’s interesting that brunch is the combination of two events where one event isn’t bounded by time but the other is. Breakfast is just the first meal of the day, so technically, if you only have one meal during the day even if it’s at 5:00 PM, by definition it’s breakfast. Lunch is less peculiar in the fact that it’s restricted to a usual timeframe - the middle of the day, i.e., 12:00 PM. Brunch only exists if the consumer intentionally combines these two meals. Thus, I’d conjecture that you can only have the possibility of brunch if you have two meals during the day. For example if you have three meals - at 11:00 AM, 4:00 PM, and 9:00 PM - then the meal taken at 11:00 AM is both breakfast (because it’s the first meal of the day) and lunch (because it’s near noon) but shockingly not brunch (because it didn’t combine two meals). I would classify the meals at 4:00 PM and 9:00 PM as two separate dinners, and give me indication that you might be a hobbit.
The modern school of thought says that brunch is an experience, not a meal eaten at a certain time. A brunch establishment must allow the patron to indulge in breakfast food past the normal hours of breakfast. It gives both the early-rising boomer and the loafing millennial the opportunity to eat waffles. In essence brunch is a celebration of the culinary arts, because deep down, what we all want is more breakfast food.
Upon hearing this I countered with: “Ok, so you’re saying McDonald’s is a brunch place. By that definition, McDonald’s is the ultimate brunch spot since it offers all-day breakfast and is one of the largest food providers in the US.”
Maddie shakes her head in a manner that communicates: You have much to learn young padawan. This is just the beginning.
Apparently there are many more parameters surrounding the definition. Brunch carries a lofty elegance and prestige. It’s usually served in a sit-down restaurant with a plate, not a paper bag. The clientele are sophisticated and well dressed, not homeless. The menu items are higher priced and span a wide range of trendy foods. Upscaled avocado toast would be an indicator that you’re at a brunch place. But all that aside, the ultimate indicator of brunch is the ability to order alcohol, specifically mimosas.
Granted, I wouldn’t find it out-of-place to see alcohol mixed with orange juice while in a McDonalds; the key difference is that the customers aren’t the ones in charge of bringing the alcohol at a brunch place. If you didn’t know already, if you don’t start your Saturday drinking at 9:30 AM, a mimosa is a mixture of orange juice and champagne. It isn’t required that you order a mimosa every brunch outing, but it is encouraged that you order one every once in a while, at about the same frequency as communion at church.
***
After several days of hype, we met up with Maddie’s friends for my first ever brunch. However, on arrival I noticed that things weren’t fitting the defined brunch expectations. Most of the customers were wearing hoodies, sweat pants, or other cozy clothes. The ratio of boomers to millennials was 4:1. And most importantly, the business didn’t serve alcohol. We were in a breakfast joint.
I’ve still never had brunch before, but I’m sure it will happen eventually. (He meekly looks over at his girlfriend and accepts the inevitable reality.)
