Am I a bad person if I’ve peed on my cat before?
As a prerequisite for this story, I’ve got two cats. A black one named Pugh (after the world’s greatest actress - Florence Pugh) and an orange one named Simmons (after the world’s greatest baller - Ben Simmons). You may be thinking the parenthetical phrases are subjective, but you’d be wrong. Give or take opinion, it’s the truth.
Both the cats are weird. By that, I mean they’re stereotypical cats. They can teleport to impossible to reach locations, like the top of the cabinet above the fridge. They will attack me without warning. Simmons will attack when I’m asleep, specifically my feet. (I’ve gotten in a habit of sleeping with multiple blankets to protect myself from the elements - the ferocious feline elements). Pugh will attack when my back is turned. She will fly in from the cat nest and land claws-first into me, the innocent bystander.
What’s a cat nest? Good question. It’s somewhat difficult to describe, but between the one-bedroom portion of my small apartment and the living room is a wall. However, it’s not a wall in the traditional sense, meaning it doesn't extend to the ceiling. The wall is about ⅞ complete, so there is a 1-foot gap where my cats can walk around. The width is about 2 feet, so it’s a pretty cozy nook. The cats have no trouble getting to the ledge, recall that they can teleport. I put my extra blankets in the space, so I figured it’d be a cute place for them to sleep. To my misfortune, Pugh has used the cat nest as an outpost to launch her aerial assaults. I’m pretty sure it’s all in good fun, but at the same time, she lands with all her claws out so it makes you wonder.
When they’re not attacking me, they will sit in my lap and purr. It’s relaxing. The kind of relaxing that would make you accidentally fall asleep during a work lunch and learn #TheBenefitsOfWorkingFromHome. They are very soft. Simmons is the softest, but Pugh will stay in my lap the longest, so she’s my favorite. Philosophical tangent: Is it bad to have a favorite cat? More broadly, a favorite child? I think it’s not bad, but not something I’d share with either of my cats.
Anyways (this is where the story starts) every so often while I’m peeing, Simmons will sprint to the toilet and jump on the rim... While I’m still peeing! For whatever reason, he has a fascination with water-based appliances. He loves to watch me do dishes and once jumped in the shower with me. Simmons loves water, and unfortunately this includes the toilet. So in these instances, I then have to choose to hold it (which is doable, but not comfortable) or pee around him. At the same time, he’s trying to jump into the stream… I don’t understand. Usually I opt for the pee-around-the-cat option, since he should have learned by now. I’ve never defused a bomb before, but I assume the experience is exactly the same.
The logical solution is to close the door, but what’s the point of living alone if you can’t pee with the door open. So yeah, I have peed on my cat before, but not on purpose. And, to defend myself, it was more his doing than mine.
